Let Me Take You on a Sea Cruise…Part 2

So there we are. Me and the Mrs getting on our cruise ship ready to leave all our cares and worries behind alongside what seemed to be everyone else from N’Awlans.

Our first experience on the Carnival Conquest is the longest buffet line of the entire cruise. Granted about 3000 people got on all at once and the first thing that you do on a cruise is eat (it’s also the second, third, fourth, and fifth thing you do). After getting our fill we retired to our room. First of all when it comes to rooms I can’t recommend enough that you get a balcony room. This is my third cruise that I’ve been on and I’ve had the interior room which is completely dark and without windows because they haven’t come up with the technology to put windows on the interior of a boat. It’s like playing “Seven minutes in heaven” for about 4 days only with less make-out sessions and more claustrophobia. I’ve also had the porthole room where you have a 2 ft x 2 ft window to the outside world that is constantly fogged up. I assume this is like prison also without the make out sessions….hopefully.

Like This Prison....Not The One Where The Prisoners Dance To "Thriller"

When our luggage arrived we had a lovely note in my wife’s luggage that said that they had to go through her bags due to there being an item that looked like contraband. The item in question I assume was the tiny Christmas tree that we brought along. Was this contraband because it may resemble some kind of drug related something or because it was a cruise during Christmas and 70% of the attendants were Jewish??? We may never know the whole truth.

We asked for the king bed for the room rather than 2 twin beds. The result…2 twin beds pushed together. I assume this is how the Postropedic beds do their bowling ball drop tests. Regardless, jumping on the bed was a bad choice as I spent the next 4 minutes writhing in pain and contemplating what life was going to be like having to push my hover-round scooter by blowing into a straw. Luckily I made a full recovery only by the grace of a Christmas miracle. God bless us everyone.

Although I was concerned about my health I was never concerned about the future of my crime fighting career. Crime doesn't take a break for paraplegics.

We were then called to our “muster station” to go over the safety protocol which apparently is only made up of gathering 400 people in a dank metal hallway to stare at a lifeboat that holds 125 people. I assume that if that were to ever actually take place that the race to the life boat would be much like the chase to the survival goods in Hunger Games. Oh, did I mention I read a book too? I will….numerous times since it was the first book I read since high school. During the safety information meeting a woman behind us tried to strike up conversation with a man that she had just met and it went something like this:

Man reading paperback book.
Woman: What are you reading?
Man: It’s a book. (30 second pause) It’s “blah blah blah”. (Not actually the name, I just don’t remember)
Woman: Oh, what’s it about?
Man: Well, it’s by Stephen King so it’s OBVIOUSLY terrifying….but I really can’t explain it.
Woman: OK?
Man: Yeah, its good but….I can’t….yeah.
Woman sighs and attempts to start conversation with someone else

"I guess I'll just get back to only reading about the female anatomy"


Sorry buddy, that was your only attempt at getting some on this cruise. Stephen King will keep you warm though.

Once we got done there it was time to go to the dining room and see who we were going to be paired up with as table mates. I had my money on old people who speak Portuguese or being put at a 10-top table with an 8 person black family that only wanted to discuss racial injustice in the South and how great Tyler Perry movies are. To our surprise though we were paired up with a very similar couple to us. Both my wife and the woman from the couple are both teachers and me and the man were both smart-asses. It was a match made in fine-dining while-wearing-cargo-shorts heaven.

Thus ends part 2…..stay tuned


About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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