Tales From a High School Dance Chaperone

This last weekend I had the opportunity to chaperone a high school dance with my wife. I jumped at the chance to observe the youth of the nation in action. I didn’t go to a lot of dances in high school as a kid but not because I didn’t have a date or anything. In fact, through years of revising my memories I now remember myself as quite the ladies man so I assume that the reason I didn’t go to many dances is because I didn’t want to show favoritism to any of the 20 women fighting over me at the time. Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, I love having the opportunity to people watch and there is not a more interesting place to people watch than an awkward high school dance.

The wife and I got put on ticket duty so we saw everyone coming in the door from the 30 degree night outside. The theme for the dance was the “Time Machine Tolo” and dress was supposed to be different decades. We saw our fair share of 90’s Too Legit To Quit dress and some 70’s disco. Some people stayed a little too long with Professor Peabody and Sherman in the Way Back Machine and showed up with toga’s and Flintstones outfits.

The first 45 minutes of the dance went just as I remembered dances. Good ol’ awkwardness where people chatted along the walls while no one danced. Ah, I remember those days like they haunted my dreams every now and again. Then the dance floor got some action with what I can only assume to be a hip-hop version of a line dance. From then on though the dance became an orgy of grinding and dry humping. INSANE! I’ve been an adolescent youth and I’m not too far removed from the land of hormones and bad lunch so I’m not going to insist that they be 10 feet away at all times to “make room for Jesus” but about 100 kids all squeezed into a self-imposed 5 ft square area and started grinding. All I could think of was “I’m pretty sure this is how Super Aids came to be”. I assume now that all casting for porn takes place at high school dances since these kids were putting their all into it like there were scouts in the crowd. It was interesting to say the least but since no one else seemed to care and my daughter wasn’t out there I figure “no harm, no foul” but chances are that MTV will have a few more participants for their next season of “16 and Pregnant”.

My favorite part of the night by far though was when the dance ended. Rather than end things with a slow jam and end it on a soft note they continued to rock out with their….well…their gummi parts out. The dance ended at 11 pm so instead of informing the DJ to wind it down, the second that the clock hit 11 they flipped on the gym lights. It was awesome to see these kids quickly scatter from their conga line o’ grind like a police raid just hit.

These cops just wanted to get freaky too

All in all, it was a fun night but it really made me worry about what kind of escalation of freak my daughter is going to endure. I’m really rethinking this “locking her in the basement until she’s 23 because she’s going to be beautiful” thing.

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About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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