They Grow Up So Fast….Just Curious How Fast

As a first time parent I’m having a lot of fun watching my kid grow and learn. She seems to be growing up very quickly but I don’t know when children are supposed to learn or develop certain things. Sure there’s the important things like learning to walk, read or wipe themselves and there’s plenty of articles and studies out there to tell you what is “normal development” for these fundamentals but I’m thinking slightly more abstractly.

First, I’m curious when my child is going to develop a sense of tact. Let me explain, she constantly points out fat people at the store or on the street and she’s told me 3 times in the last week that it’s time for me to take a shower because I’m stinky. As an adult all of these things are inappropriate but children get a load of leeway because they’re cute and don’t know better but I’m curious when she is supposed to know better. My guess is that she gets a pass on this until she hits the awkward teen stage and then she’ll shy away from pointing out the shortcomings of others when she’s dealing with stinking and zits in herself. Unfortunately, she’ll probably be some kind of super model that’s unnaturally beautiful and graceful and never be forced to learn some kind of humility.

Second, when does the love-sick boy-crazy stage hit? She’s only 3 and a half so I’m hoping that I have another 10 years until she starts getting detention for passing love notes in class but, again, I probably have another 3 years before she starts asking if she can go on a date with the kid with the Power Wheels jeep with the bumper sticker that says “My Other Ride is Your Daughter” on it.

Dammmmn, gurl. You be the hotttttest hunny on the playground!

As a child I never had a “Ewww, cooties” stage. I was super into He-Man as a kid until Shee-ra came around and then I was like “Awwwww, yeah” and the next thing I knew I was collecting stickers of the buxom babe with the sword. Luckily, we have dodged any Bieber posters so far but it’s only a matter of time. Unfortunately we don’t have a basement in the house so locking her up until she’s 24 or until we decide she’s ugly will not be an option. Guess I’ll just have to start shopping for a giant shotgun to scare off the boys when they show up.

I especially have experience if she brings by any Wolfenstein Nazis

Finally, I’m curious when she is going to start hating school. As a nerdy kid, I loved school but at some point a switch gets flipped and school sucks. I don’t know when that happens but I think it happens for most everyone. Right now, she loves going to daycare/school but I’m thinking that’s just because her day consists of snacks, friends and finger painting. I don’t think that finger painting is going to happen for too much longer but for all I know maybe students can now major in finger painting sciences at Cal-Berkley. If I remember correctly, I started hating school the day I started playing video games. At that point I greatly prefered to save the princess to doing book reports on books I never read. In fact, I vividly remember having to do book reports and doing them on Choose Your Own Adventure books and choosing the quickest path to end the book. “Do I steer clear of the volcano or skydive into the lava bed with nothing to protect me other than a snorkel? Um…..LAVA SWAN DIVE! THE END”.

Ain't it the truth

I’m interested to see what kind of person she is going to grow up to be but all of these things are near guaranteed to occur so it’s just a matter of when. It’ll be fun to track but I’m wondering if making up a survey to give semi-yearly on asking her for a score from 1 to 10 on how dreamy boys are to her is creepy or not. Rather I think my role as a parent should probably be to try to be as available and accepting as possibly can be so she’ll just tell me instead…..and to scare off the first boy she brings home.


About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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4 Responses to They Grow Up So Fast….Just Curious How Fast

  1. My daughter entered high school this year. She has no interest in boys and still loves school. She does field research on frogs and butterflies. There is hope for you. We have also decided that we are buying a reticulated python before she starts dating. We will take out the snake when suitors come to visit. “Meet Fluffy. Treat our daughter at dinner, or you will BE dinner.” It’s much less cliche than a firearm.

    • Josh K says:

      I will take the python into consideration. I think it is probably a boy-deterrent on its own without raising it to crave the blood of young suitors. I just can’t wait to utter the phrase “What are you intentions?” and watch the pipsqueaks squirm.

  2. mine is 2.5…i’ve wondered most all of these things. she’s a girl i don’t really know yet. me? i never thought boys had cooties and i started with the love sickness eeeaaarrrrly. like kindergarten i think. somehow that happens to tomboys too. surprise. i remember the perspective changes too. plus the one where mom becomes someone virtually unlikable in every respect. good luck.

    • Josh K says:

      I’ve already noticed the hating mom thing already. It’s a weird one-sided rivalry when I enter the room as my daughter demands my attention up to the point of pushing mom away. It’s really weird and awesome at the same time although it’s the only time that two women can fight over you and you can’t brag about it to your friends.

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