I’m a trust-worthy guy that is incapable of cheating whether it be in Monopoly, taxes or especially relationships. However, since I got married 2 months ago there have been several things that have come up that lesser women would let their imaginations get away with them and come up with the assumption that I have myself a lady on the side. It’s almost comical in the things that have happened like there’s a Final Destination like fate that is trying to come up with ways to split up the Mrs and I. Unfortunately for the spirit of assumed infidelity, my wife has the rare ability to look at logic before throwing dinner plates at me while slashing my tires and setting my clothes on fire.
First, this last weekend we were driving with the little one when all of a sudden my phone decided to start playing the middle of the song “Birthday Sex” which I think is about revealing the sex of your baby after it’s born but I could be wrong on that because I’ve never been good at understanding lyrics. The reason this happened is my phone is psychotic and has started playing songs without warning at inappropriate times but because it started playing in the middle of the song it sounded like it was someone’s ringtone.
I considered throwing the phone out of the window but that would probably seal my wrongly accused fate. Instead I grabbed the phone immediately and held it up as proof that I was not receiving a phone call while almost crashing the car in my rush to present my evidence. In past relationships I would have been better off wrapping the car around the nearest telephone post in hopes of instantaneous amnesia.
Secondly, I got an email last week confirming my registration to a website called fling.com. OK, I didn’t do that. Rather than just delete it and be done with it I decided that it was best to just show it to the Mrs in case she summons the demon called Web History and gets out her “Jump to Conclusions Mat”.
I also got an email from Fling.com asking me to post a picture because some hideous cougar requested it too. Luckily, we had a good laugh about it and moved on.
Finally, I was getting text messages at all hours of the day. I’ve written all about my love for sports and my need to be up on all things sports and ESPN fed my need with their text message service so while it looked like I was getting booty-call texts at 3 am it was really ESPN letting me know that the Mariners were still awful.
I’m very grateful for the amount of trust that I’m given because I feel like I’ve earned it. Now that I think about it though it might also be in part the thought that she doesn’t believe that anyone would actually text me at 3am or that I could cheat if I wanted too. I agree but only because I can only imagine what kind of Ukrainian acts of torture that she has in store for me or whatever Tina Fey look-alike is my cheating counterpart if I decided to. Honestly, I have never been happier and my new family is my life…at least until I hit my 19/20ths-life crisis rather than a mid-life crisis. I’ll have to wait until I’m 95 to cheat because by then I will have full-blown dementia and being with my wife will feel like cheating because I won’t know who the hell she is. I’ll just know she’s the mega hottie at the nursing home and I like that sexy granny’s style. Ahhhhh, yeah!