What Video Games Have Taught Me

I like to think of myself as an individual that doesn’t fit into many stereotypes but when it comes to entertainment consider me just one of the guys. I love my sports and I love my video games. Video games have shaped some of my best memories whether it be the first time that I beat Super Mario 3 or that one time where someone at school told me that the code for SimCity was “Porntits” and I went home and asked my mother for help typing it in and got in trouble. It’s also left a lasting impression on the way I think about things too.

First of all, everything I know about women and dating I learned from The Sims. I learned that if you are at a party and see a woman who you find attractive just approach her, put on a puppet show and juggle for about 3 hours, excuse yourself to use the restroom because you are probably about to pee yourself by this point, then return and tickle your target and then start making babies. I’ve never been able to put this into practice but I assume that 80% of the time it works 100% of the time. Awww yeah! I also learned from Sims that if you get bored you’ll start trapping people in your house and laugh at them when wet themselves (Don’t judge me, you know you did it too).

I'm sure that once you attempt Sims torture EA passes along your info to the FBI to put on a possible future serial killer list

I also learned politics from video games. I was recently playing NBA Jam and unlocked the Republican and Democrat teams. When playing as the Republican team I realized that George Bush is incredible at stealing and Dick Cheney is awful at shooting. Like couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn kind of awful.

Why don't we ask Harry Whittington if he thinks that Cheney is a good shot?

Maybe that was intentional by the left-wing biased creators at EA Sports (at least that’s what Fox News tells me) but then again Sarah Palin rains down 3’s like she were the love child of Larry Bird and whatever WNBA player shoots well (nobody really knows and i don’t really feel like doing research on it) so maybe it doesn’t mean very much but it’s still funny.

Finally, video games have taught me quite a bit about medicine and health. I’m like millions before me in that I blame video games for my less-than-healthy frame but not in the “i’d rather be inside playing Mario than outside pretending to play Mario” way. Rather I’ve learned from video games that eating food will heal almost any illness or injury. I can’t remember how many times I had a bruise or a stubbed toe and went to the kitchen looking for a whole chicken to eat to heal my pain.

I'm sure eating Chicken in a Can will give you more problems than it heals though

Still though I never believed that if I were to eat a mushroom, I’d get taller and more powerful. Probably only because it’s a vegetable though. I have a very selective influence.

So there you have it. Somehow I’ve made it through life without getting arrested for jumping on endangered turtles or setting my house on fire attempting to learn how to perform the spell, Firaga. I do blame video games for the loss of my imagination but only because it was better than my imagination. If left to my own thoughts I would just have believed that I was going to be a doctor or a fireman as a child and not the emo-kid who is destined to save the world with the help of his fighting dog friend that video games led me to believe. I still believe that I’m going to save the world though but that talking dog stuff, pfft, that’s for kids.

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About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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One Response to What Video Games Have Taught Me

  1. Dick Cheney IS good at shooting. But not necessarily what he’s aiming at.

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