Kid Tested, Step-Father Approved

There are several items that have shaped the world we live in and made life easier for everyone. These items include such strokes of genius as the microwave, television, the zipper and Kool-Aid individual drink packs. In the 5 weeks of parenting that I have experienced I’ve come up with five equally necessary items. Here are some of my favorites for your convenience.

First, I don’t know how parents got by before DVR was invented. Not only do you have the ability to record the rare show that you deem watchable for your kids but you also have the ability to pause the football game when your child grabs a pair of scissors and you realize that the dog is missing and also in need for a haircut. Also, the ability to fast-forward through toy commercials saves more money per year than THAT family in the neighborhood does making their own soda and cutting their own hair.

The next thing that every parent needs is a responsibility chart. Sounds weird but let me explain. This is a board that lists about 10 different chores like make the table, brush your teeth and say please and thank you.

Trust Me, This will make your kids do their chores better than allowance and threat of spankings combined

Each night you take the child over to the board and decide what they have done for the day….which is usually everything. It’s like bribing your child to do good for NOTHING. They just want to do it just to get a new smiley face sticker on the board….and that dumb thing called trying to earn your love. Whenever the lil’ one has an issue with going to bed (when doesn’t she) we just point out the responsibility chart and she shapes up without further bribery. Amazing!

Next, every family needs a dog. This one I’m a little bitter about because we don’t currently have one but I think this is a true necessity. Sure, it’s an extra responsibility and it needs to eat and poop but the benefits outweigh those dramatically. First, the thing loves you unconditionally. When your child turns all angst-driven teen on you and starts playing “I hate my dad” rap-rock, the dog still loves you. Also, the vacuum factor. My kid spills EVERYTHING and having a dog would keep the house clean and also feed the dog. It’s like the problem that fixes itself. On the other side, I think this may be the reason why dogs get freaked out when they see a vacuum running. It’s like the same reaction you see when an out-of-work racist makes a call to a customer service and gets a Baljit from India.

Finally, if you get a dog get a fast dog. This ensures that your kid will be worn out as they chase each other around the yard. It’s the same reason why most parents have two kids without the need an extra bed unless you’re content with having the second kid sleeping on a pile of old towels in the laundry room.

This leads into the next thing that all parents need, a fenced yard. Having a fenced yard ensures safe play for the kids and a little time to relax for parents. I can’t remember how many times my mom would push my brother and I outside and say “You need some fresh air” while locking the sliding glass door behind us. The only reason she could do that without catching the gaze of child protection services was it was a safe haven for imagination and quickly had the ability to become the new lair for the Ninja Turtles in the eyes of chubby 5-year-old boys.  It’s like the grazing area to feed the imagination hunger for your free-range children.

Finally, you need locks on bedroom doors. This needs no explanation other than keeping your children from wanting to poke out their own eyes with rusty hangers and future expensive psychiatrist visits. If you can’t get locks on your doors just make sure to purposefully rust over your children’s bedroom door hinges so they squeal something fierce when opened to give you that 30-second warning to get break apart to your opposite corners like prize-fighters in between rounds.

So, there you go. No, literally, you need to go get these things like NOW. Like Kix cereal – they are kid tested and mother/step-father approved. Get to it. You’ll thank me later.

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About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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