Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice: That’s What My Fat Is Made Of

I’ve always been big. As a kid I was a lot more Chunk than Mikey and I can do the Truffle Shuffle to prove it (Goonies reference in case you didn’t get it).

How-To for the Obese

This continued into adulthood as I could just drive to get my Big Mac meals now instead of riding a bike. It then snowballed into using the drive thru in situations where I could walk just because I wanted to listen to the radio while I ordered. I like to believe that I created a new high for laziness.

About 2 months ago I realized I was going to be a parent very soon. An overweight parent who huffs and puffs after walking the stairs. Not an unfit parent but a parent that wasn’t fit in a healthy sense. At the beginning of the year I made a resolution to lose 50 pounds this year and hadn’t made very much progress until just recently when I got a vision of myself going to my daughter’s high school graduation wearing a mumu in a Rascal scooter while chomping on my 7th Charleston Chew of the day. It was time to kick my flab into high gear. Through dieting (mostly just cutting out fast food) I had done really well, losing 35 pounds. Some would say that they know they are doing well on a diet because they feel better or their clothes fit better. Honestly, it may seem crass but I knew I was doing well because my gaseous releases now sounded like a dying cat squeal instead of a pig snort sound. I promised complete transparency when I started this blog so don’t say you weren’t warned.

I continued to do well until my parenting started. Once my time planning meals was replaced with time with the kiddo I lost track of my diet. It’s really hard to eat healthy when you are also sharing food with a child that will only eat macaroni and cheese. It just seems wasteful to me to have to make two separate meals so I just go with the flow. I then gained back 15 of the 35 that I had lost. After speaking with the Mrs about it, she came up with some really good ideas to keep both of us happy. The Mrs found recipes for organic veggie macaroni and cheese and boiled cauliflower seasoned like mashed potatoes. The lil’ one saw right through this and refused to eat it although I found it delicious. Unfortunately, I would rather see myself balloon up like Mr. Creosote from Monty Python rather than have the Mrs spend the time making a separate meal for one.

Mr Creosote - Better Get A Bucket

I’ve also become just too “tired” to eat healthily. Fast food is too cheap and easy to resist some nights. I know it’s bad for me but it’s my heroin. The Mrs does all she can by pointing it out whenever she sees the empty bag which causes me enough shame to realize that it’s bad. Not quite finger-down-the-throat shame but enough so that I think twice when I see the golden arches.

It’s not all bad though. The extra chasing the little one has me doing more excercise than I’ve done in nearly 10 years and all the child lifting has my biceps looking very AC Slater like.

Get into shape, Preppy!

I think the best way to combat the food crisis is not to make myself any food. I only get the leftovers that the lil’ one leaves behind. That may sound like a bad idea as I may starve if she has a healthy appetite but she leaves more on her plate in a single meal than it would take to fill me up for the day. Also, by the time she is done the castoff food will be cold therefore not as appetizing as I would prefer, leaving me without the need for second helpings. That or I could spend time with my child and wife on walks but our neighborhood and park nearby are more a safe haven for drunk folk and drug dealers than I feel comfortable with, even with my newfound Saved By The Bell muscles.

The fatness is slowly melting off and I’m back on track to hit my 50 for the year. My shirts are starting to feel more tent-like than they did at the beginning of the year so I’m feeling better about it. Soon I’ll be more Mikey than Chunk. Then it’ll be my time….my time down here….and it’s their time up there….but here it’s my time (Another Goonies reference, look it up).


About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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