My Child Has Super Powers

I love a good superhero origin story. Really, who doesn’t? Nuclear waste dump, radioactive spiderbites, alien power rings….all good stuff. I’m just wondering what accident befell my kid when I wasn’t looking that gave her all her super powers because she sure as hell has some. OK, she can’t fly or shoot webs but she puts Wonder Woman and her super lame lasso and invisible jet to shame.

First of all, she definitely has super strength on par with Superman. I don’t know where she hides it all in her 35 pound frame but if there were a toddler UFC I feel like her ground game is very strong. Also, when wrestling and rough-housing her first move is two hands outstretched toward the throat. Probably considered a dirty move in the underground Nick Jr. fight club but it definitely gets the job done if you can distract the ref.

Secondly, she has a super sonic screech that would deafen already deaf people into a deeper level of deafness. She uses it at weird times too. One such example, at the grocery store not too long ago we were walking down an aisle looking for whatever sugary cereal she wanted at the time that I would surely get in trouble later for buying. We get into a crowded aisle and she decides to scream at the top of her tiny lungs “HELP!!!”. I was mortified. What do I do??? Do I approach every person in the aisle and quickly start convincing them that this little blonde girl that looks nothing like me other than the big cheeks belongs to me? Do I just run the other way and hope no one got a good look at my face or my shopping cart license number? Nope. I just kept going as she continued to play the “Help! game”. Follow up thought on this, I’m relieved and also slightly concerned that no one said anything to me. Hmm.

Next, she’s disarmingly cute. You really can’t stay mad at her for any reason but I think most kids have this trait(unless they are SUPER ugly or really bratty) so I won’t get into it further.

Finally, she has a keen third eye. This is a bit abstract but let me explain. I don’t usually get a lot of attention from the little one other than to be used as a couch to sit on and a trampoline to jump on (apparently I personify the properties of a futon cushion). Since I’ve been sick for the last couple days however she’s wanted to be in my face every second possible. It’s like she’s the cat that circles people who are about to die at nursing homes but a lot more talkative. I definitely don’t want to get her sick so I when I breathe with her in my face, to keep from blowing fiery plague up her nose, I have to do the Popeye move where he would distort his mouth as if he were about to blow a fly off his shoulder. I know she does it because she cares though so its more than welcome…until she gets sick then I’ll probably be less happy about it.

So there you have it, I have my own little Super Girl. She amazes me every day with all her humor and personality. I look forward to discovering her other super powers up until she gets the power of teenage angst or decides to fly away toward bigger Metropolises that need saving. Time guarantees to go by faster than a speeding bullet so I’ll have to enjoy this all while it lasts.


About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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