Lying To A Child: It’s For Her Own Good

In my first month of toddler parenting experience I’ve realized that children are intellectual sponges. They want to absorb any knowledge that you possess, they ask exploring questions, and they demand constant learning experiences and intellectual stimulation and they trust implicitly. With that said, as a parent I have the responsibility to deliver on those needs to learn and grow but there are some pieces of knowledge that I’m considering “fudging” on purpose. To explain further, I’m not talking about making up folkloric stories to explain why the sky is blue (sky has poor circulation) or why I have to wear glasses (stared directly at the Sun God naked). I’m more talking about blatantly lying about/omitting these otherwise scientifically accepted facts. I know that this sounds negligent but hear me out before you make me “walk the plank” (currently watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates with the lil’ one so expect a couple other pirate sayings throughout this post, sorry in advance).  So let’s go over some of the “facts” that I will be cutting out of her future textbooks.

#1 – Pluto is not a planet. Pluto is and will always be a planet because that’s the way I was taught. Just because a group of high school swirlee recipients decided Pluto was too small to be a planet doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to do a complete brain wipe of the only planet named after a Disney character. In fact, I think that it’s a slap in the face to both little people and children. NASA basically decided that if you’re little, you serve no purpose. They are the carnies at the planetary county fair and have decided that Pluto is too short to ride the Tilt-o-Whirl. I believe that way of thinking is only true and useful when trying to fill out a basketball team or needing help changing lightbulbs. And that is why my daughter will challenge her teachers when they try to spoon feed her the 8 planets brand of bologna.

#2 – Helium is running out. This is true but it doesn’t mean that I have to be a birthday party buzzkill and inform my daughter that the balloons that she is so enjoying are in danger of disappearing completely.  Helium is not a resource that can be manufactured artificially and word has it that helium supplies will reach their end in the next 25-30 years which means that for my 55th birthday I could be celebrating with sadness balloons hanging from strings on the ceiling. Imagine not being able to sing the “Lollipop Guild” song in a helium-fueled high pitch voice. That’s a world I don’t want to live in and my daughter doesn’t need to know that dystopia in the making.

#3 – Cooties are a thing of fiction. My daughter is set up for great success already for her future. She’s beautiful, smart, funny and very social. The way I see it (and most dad’s see it) the only thing that could derail this amazing future is a dingus and his dangle. I thought I didn’t have to worry about boys for quite a while but she’s already come home from daycare “married” to another boy a couple of times. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t rule out her receiving attention in the near future from men but I can start shaping the kind of man that she reciprocates that affection to. The wifey and I have decided that we will promote a fear and respect for cooties and boys that come around with tattoos and motorcycles are carrying a super dose of cooties that can be fatal if you have prolonged exposure to them. I feel like that’s a better alternative to keeping my baby from having babies than promoting an “alternative lifestyle” and then shaming her out of it after she completes college.

I desperately want her to be well adjusted and normal so I think these are the only 3 things I can get away with without making her the weird kid in class who eats rubber cement instead of good ol’ Elmer’s like the normal kids. With the state of education in the United States both the Mrs and I have discussed home schooling at least 83 times but it’s posts like this that make me think that may not be what is best for her. I’m sure when the boys start coming around I’ll change my tone on that though.

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About Josh K

I've always been known as the "funny guy" but getting that "funny" from my brain to paper is still a work in progress. For as far back as I can remember I've just wanted to write for a living and now that I have some big changes in life I finally have a story to tell. Here goes nothin'.....
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